welcome to my oh-so crazy life.

i have a hard time with change.

this has to do with a plethora of reasons:
(not to beat a dead horse here, but...)
-i am overly-nostalgic.
-i get very attached.
-i am unreasonably loyal. (i feel a sense of ownership, to a degree.)

therefore...
i can't let things go. i feel like i'm giving up. and it makes me feel like a terrible person.
-especially when it comes to people...

the only times i have ever completely stopped being friends with someone i was extremely close to...was because of some sort of toxicity in the relationship. (or the rare, but inescapable too much distance for too long between us dilemma.)
even then--it is a long process of me feeling like a terrible person, until it becomes more & more toxic in itself...and i realize how unhealthy the circumstances have become.

i just love people. and there's a reason i love them.
-so i always want them to be around. (not every day. i'm not a needy psycho. just in my life-and i in their's- in some way or another.)
so it hurts me when they're not...or when they don't care to be anymore.
and it makes me miss them.
even when they have the potential to not have to be missed...

this is the result of getting older, and "growing up." (or so i've been told.)
except, i don't think it has to be that way.
it's called commitment. (that's not just a term. it's not just an idea used in marriage. it's a lifestyle. and it's important...no matter who you are, no matter what the relationship.)
i recognize the fact that people move on; i recognize the fact that people move away; i recognize the fact that people can grow apart.
-but it doesn't have to be that way.
therefore, it's a conscious thought...it's a decision that's made.
which makes it more personal.
it makes it hurt that much more.
apparently that's life.
-but that doesn't make it tolerable.

"two people who were once very close can,
without blame or grand betrayal,
become strangers.
perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world."
- warsan shire.