as i sit here. waiting...

as i sit here. waiting.
with only quincy & haiti on my mind.
i am forced to reflect on this year.
during which, i have done anything but.

i tend to repress, perpetually.
but with this year being that much more intensified...the repression having infinite layers...

the past 363 days have been full.
full of unbearable sorrow.
full of distractions.
full of new beginnings.
full of learning.
full of changes.
full of bitterness, contrasting with thankfulness.
my most life-altering year to date.

the learned act of repressing gets me through daily life.
it allows me to carry on, "normally".
now--in this moment--being forced to reflect, i come face to face with this pain i've harbored so deep inside.
forced to feel this sorrow. this grief. this immense love.
forced to feel my heart being ripped from my chest once again.

i am a person who likes to pin-point my feelings.
i like to know the why in everything.
i basically need to know the why to be content.
if i do not receive a logical, educated explanation...i will over-analyze the situation until i find it myself.
this year has, on top of everything resulting from the 1st, been incredibly frustrating.
a rollercoaster.
a pinball machine.
a constant, contradicting battle between my own, personal feelings.
a constant, contradicting battle within my own mind.

ultimately, i have been bitter.
inescapably.

but, i have not allowed for time of reflection.
i have hardly journaled. which is very unlike me. i am the advocate of journaling.
albeit, i've simply had no down-time.
which has been good and bad. (what do you know...a contradiction.)
however, there has not even been a yearning in me to reflect, to journal, to acknowledge the circumstances.
fore with these acts, comes acceptance.
and i still cannot accept the truth that is this reality.
...it seems i've been waiting for haiti.
waiting to experience this place quincy fell in love with, these people she fell in love with, this experience that changed the course of her entire life.
and i'm ready to experience some sort of healing, that i've been expecting this trip to naturally evoke.
there will definitely be bitterness. but i'm also expecting much sweetness.
i am going, seeking after quincy and her heart for the country, its people, and the Lord. i feel i am searching for something i do not yet know. praying to find an answer--if even just one.
2015, you've been quite the year.
2016, please be better.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

quinc, i miss you beyond comprehension.
but you should be so proud of your people.
your legacy is significant.
your passions have now been instilled in countless others.
your words you wrote have been constant encouragement and comfort that have carried us through.
i will forever be proud of you. when first you went to haiti, i wrote you this message:

     quincy lynn!!
     -you are going to HAITI today!!
     so crazy.
     i am SO proud of you...
     -for following this opportunity that God has placed in your path.
     -for knowing it was what you were supposed to do--and not even giving it a second thought.
     -for being brave. cause serving in haiti is definitely not for the average, every-day, lukewarm, life-livers.
     -and for many, many more reasons.
     i will miss you while you're gone. (for my sake, i'm glad it's just ten days)--and can't WAIT to hear about and see all the photos from your excursion.
     i-LOOOOOOOOOOVE-youuuuuuuuuu, boo-boo-boo-boooooooooo.

if i've taken anything away from this year, it has been a lesson you have taught me upon reflecting on your life and your very being: 
make. it. happen. (cap'n.)
you are the queen of make it happen. (and also, coincidentally, love cap'n crunch.)
i chose to embrace that mantra best i could this year--and i'm expecting it to stay with me forever.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i found this today and thought it encompassed us so well.

(not hard to do with the four boys. or lauren. or at our parents' expense. or playing scrabble with gramma. or being borderline out-of-control at jack stack. or dancing like fools whenever, wherever. or quoting movies to no end. or during sleepovers till the sun is coming up. or cousin Christmas cookie night with aunt nan. or the ridiculousness that is quelf.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
your dad has spoken (and written) many great words this year. many heart-wrenching, tearful, powerfully overwhelming, yet beautiful, words. 
these are a few that have stayed with me:

"love is the greatest force in the world.
it's the only thing that lasts.
lead with love.
if you're not moving towards love, 
you're not moving towards Jesus.
if you're not moving towards Jesus, 
you're not moving towards love.
if you're not moving towards love, what are you doing."

"love is a story. it's a story of presence.
by our presence, so we love."

"with Jesus, now there's music, and art, and beauty, and salvation in this world that we didn't even know existed.
live presently in the future we know exists."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Broken Heart. Future Hope. LQVE.org.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's more fun in the philippines, yall.

(click on all the photos to expand them!!)

my trip has come to an end.
as yall read in my initial post, i prayed about going on this trip for over a year & a half...to make sure it was where God wanted me to be, when He wanted me to be there--and that in whatever way, He would provide for me to get there. (and the prayers worked, people.)
i am so thankful i was that mentally & spiritually prepared for it. i have done a lot of mission work in the past, be it other mission trips, service projects, or even everything with Mission Church thus far. but everything has basically been work & service oriented. THIS trip, however, was strictly evangelical--which is why i felt more called to it. i wasn't as comfortable in the area of evangelizing.
i've never had a problem sharing MY faith, but sharing the Gospel--and knowing when to share it...i wasn't experienced in. so i knew this specific mission trip would stretch me spiritually, and BOY did it.
we went from school to school to school, preaching in each classroom...five days a week, for about twelve hours a day.
our team was made up of 60+ Americans paired with Filipino pastor-translators; and after five weeks, we were able to minister at 1,551 schools in the Philippines!!
699,751 people heard the Gospel...and out of those, 676,833 accepted Christ into their hearts right then & there!! it was so amazing. just to witness these children hearing the story of Jesus for the first time, seeing their excitement & joy from hearing how much God loves them, and then watching them fold their little hands and hear their precious prayers to ask Jesus into their hearts. it was so powerful.
something that really hit me hard when i was there was just how awesome God is--obviously...but that His story is simple enough for young children like these to grasp (even with the language barrier)--yet complex enough for scholars to study a lifetime.
and how no matter who we are, at whatever stage of life we're in...we still yearn to be loved--and loved unconditionally. it's universal because that's the way God created us to be.

one weekend we got to go to the organization's orphanage. leading up to the trip, this was definitely what i was looking forward to the most. the orphanage was founded in 1991, as a Christian home for orphaned Filipino children. some of these children (including infants) were picked up/dropped off here by either their parents or some form of social services because their families couldn't support them.
we had the privilege of playing with the children--and also interviewing them. i loved hearing how much they loved being at this orphanage. most of the new & young ones stated how their favorite part of being there was food...getting food (that could be both delicious & nutritious.) which was heartbreaking.
but all of the older ones who had been there most of their lives stated how their favorite part about being there was that the organization was centered around God. that really touched my heart...that at such a young age, after facing so much heartache--they still could have such perspective.

this child's name is dwayne. and he completely stole my heart.
the moment we got changed into our "play clothes", he just jumped on my back--no hesitation whatsoever--and followed me, or drug me around by the hand causing me to follow him the rest of the weekend.

the entire experience was more than amazing; i am just sooo blessed to have had this opportunity. the fact that Jesus could use me--this average, 24-year old girl, with no scholarly theological background, to tell His story to these precious children who might never hear it again...and get this many more souls into His Kingdom is beyond humbling, and really...just downright addicting.
every prayer since the trip, i have prayed--not only for all the children we spoke to--but that God would continue to use me to further this work according to His will--and somehow take me back there...and that through my experiences, i can encourage everybody i know to go on this trip. (haha...but seriously. everybody should go on this trip!!)

i want to thank everyone who encouraged me, prayed for me, and supported me along the way. i really cannot say thank you enough.
truly.
much love & God bless!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Mark 10:45 - Luke 10:2 - Matthew 28:19-20 -

growing up, i had to have an "i don't care what you think of me" attitude...because i knew i was a good kid, with good intentions & actions & thoughts. and even so, people have always thought whatever they wanted about me.

i have had multiple people who are my friends now say when they first met me, they thought i was completely opposite than how i really am.

i have had rumors spread around school about me that were completely (completely) untrue. (with not even a possibility that someone could have been even remotely correct or even misunderstood. they had just made them up.)
and so at one point in my life, i would have described myself as insensitive...
-in the way that...i am sarcastic; i don't take myself--or statements others would say too seriously.
i also grew up in a simultaneously loving yet sarcastic environment. (my immediate family, and both sides of extended.) so i was not as keen to other people's perceptions of what i say because i knew i wasn't serious anyway.
i had to learn what this quote meant before it was ever written::
"don't take anything personally. nothing others do is because of you. what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."
- miguel angel ruiz.
obviously, i have learned to absorb the criticisms, ridicule, and "incite" others present to an extent...while, at some point, ridding my being of the needless negativity. and certain relationships along the way have opened my eyes to how "sensitive" a person can be. (and since i don't want to make anyone upset, i have appropriately adhered...in a way to better understand, empathize, and considerately care for people.)

however...i came across this quote today...and it is like describing me. to a t. in every respect.
(so perhaps proclaiming insensitivity was entirely wrong.)::
"the highly sensitive tend to be philosophical or spiritual in their orientation, rather than materialistic or hedonistic. they dislike small talk. they often describe themselves as creative or intuitive. they dream vividly, and can often recall their dreams the next day. they love music, nature, art, physical beauty. they feel exceptionally strong emotions--sometimes acute bouts of joy, but also sorrow, melancholy, and fear. highly sensitive people also process information about their environments--both physical and emotional--unusually deeply. they tend to notice subtleties that others miss--another person's shift in mood, say, or a lightbulb burning a touch too brightly."
- susan cain.

my heart wants roots.
my mind wants wings.
i cannot bear
their bickerings.
- e.y. harburg.

welcome to my oh-so crazy life.

i have a hard time with change.

this has to do with a plethora of reasons:
(not to beat a dead horse here, but...)
-i am overly-nostalgic.
-i get very attached.
-i am unreasonably loyal. (i feel a sense of ownership, to a degree.)

therefore...
i can't let things go. i feel like i'm giving up. and it makes me feel like a terrible person.
-especially when it comes to people...

the only times i have ever completely stopped being friends with someone i was extremely close to...was because of some sort of toxicity in the relationship. (or the rare, but inescapable too much distance for too long between us dilemma.)
even then--it is a long process of me feeling like a terrible person, until it becomes more & more toxic in itself...and i realize how unhealthy the circumstances have become.

i just love people. and there's a reason i love them.
-so i always want them to be around. (not every day. i'm not a needy psycho. just in my life-and i in their's- in some way or another.)
so it hurts me when they're not...or when they don't care to be anymore.
and it makes me miss them.
even when they have the potential to not have to be missed...

this is the result of getting older, and "growing up." (or so i've been told.)
except, i don't think it has to be that way.
it's called commitment. (that's not just a term. it's not just an idea used in marriage. it's a lifestyle. and it's important...no matter who you are, no matter what the relationship.)
i recognize the fact that people move on; i recognize the fact that people move away; i recognize the fact that people can grow apart.
-but it doesn't have to be that way.
therefore, it's a conscious thought...it's a decision that's made.
which makes it more personal.
it makes it hurt that much more.
apparently that's life.
-but that doesn't make it tolerable.

"two people who were once very close can,
without blame or grand betrayal,
become strangers.
perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world."
- warsan shire.