day 8.

tomorrow (technically today, i suppose...) is the last day of february; that means it's just right around the corner when i find out if i'm accepted for this mission trip or not.
i truly feel that the Lord has placed this ministry and organization on my heart.

-however, if come find out i'm not accepted, and i'm not meant for it this go-around...
i know God has a plan.
maybe it was for me to be praying for them for a year and spreading the word about them to others who could pray for them. maybe going through the whole application process and waiting time was to prepare me for something else that i wouldn't have been prepared for otherwise.
this preparation period really has been wonderful and definitely brought me closer to God...and i'm so thankful for it.
when i think of where i was just over a year ago...(for one, it has the potential to make me sick. but for two...) it makes me sooooo thankful. because i couldn't be where i am, and how i am (wellness&emotion-wise) without the good Lord. and of course, the amazing support system He has blessed me with.
the time is over when i'm disconcerted at thinking back to where i was last year at "this time".
-and for that alone, i am so thankful.

i still do not know why it was necessary that i go through all that, (...for another time--and even more intensified,) but i do know that it brought me that much closer to the Lord.
it made me fully rely on Him.

all this to say...
no matter the Lord's reason for things, when we remain close to Him, He can teach us things we might not learn otherwise.
when we remain close to Him, He can heal us in ways we never imagined possible.

"take this life, so i can live.

teach my soul selflessness...

less of me and more of You.

bound my heart to what is true;

bound my heart to all of You.

when i try to go alone,

Your grace and mercy lead me home.

i have learned to count on You.

there is nothing You can't do.

i surrender, handing over...

all of my soul,

all of my heart

for all that You are.

nothing better, no greater offer..

all of our soul,

all of our heart

for all that You are.

this is my soul's melody.

i've abandoned all;

i'm done with me.

let this be the song i sing,

until i find eternity,

until my final breath leaves me."

-paul klein.

(be sure to check him out; he's great.)

"well, i've been treated like a valentine...
that's been ripped apart and left behind.
i'm a fragile girl in a crazy, careless world.
my dreams were torn and scattered on the floor,
but You've been picking up the pieces, Lord...
cause Your love is real,
the only hope to heal.

my paper heart is Your's now;
i have landed in Your hands.
'come so far to find out...
my life will never be the same,
since You wrote Your name
on my paper heart.

i had been so terrified to trust...
so many times i'd been reduced to dust,
but you keep showing me
You're the safest place to be."
-francesca battistelli.

i have been listening to her cd since Christmas...and in response to being single on valentine's day, this is a perfect song for me. :) ever since junior high, the idea of "being married to God" has really resonated with me, and i've always strived to let the thought consume me.
which i believe has helped me never be this boy-crazy girl who always needed a boyfriend--because i always knew that wasn't what it was all about; i just let God always fill the void.
and for learning that as early on as i did, i am extremely grateful.
of course, i've had heartbreaks......and bad ones.
but on the occurrence of those break-ups, i've always turned to the Lord and allowed Him to hold me. (like literally imagined Him holding me, until i could feel Him.)

(i know i am going out of Bible-order here, but it's too applicable not to touch on...)
i've always loved the verse:
"peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

i love that so much..."I do not give as the world gives." because God's omnipotence is unfathomable...He is capable of anything. if we would just ALLOW Him to give us that peace, HIS peace--a peace like we've never known...such a loving, selfless, and unconditional gift that God w.a.n.t.s us to have...it WILL consume us.

truth.

"i know it's hard to believe people when they say i know how you feel . . . but i actually know how you feel . . .
i understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible . . . and how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you . . . and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get-or gyms you join-or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could've misunderstood . . . and how in the heck for that brief moment you could think you were that happy. and sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. and after all that . . . however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new--and you'll meet people that make you feel worthwhile again . . . and little pieces of your soul will finally come back . . . and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted . . . that will eventually begin to fade."
- the holiday.