Dear Momma:

MOMMA

you've instilled in me:
a thirst for creativity
a spirit of imagination
a yearning to be outside
a responsibility to work hard
a talent for finding the positive and alternative in every situation
an affection for nostalgia
a (seemingly) contradictory taste in classic rock and gospel
a joy in trying new things and going new places
a passion for competition
a freedom to be silly
an eagerness to learn
a priority in loyalty
an emphasis in honesty
an attention to details
a love for entertaining
an importance in serving others
a requirement for homemade meals
a necessity to communicate
an innate ability to be myself
a strength to be confident
a devotion to family
a foundation to faith
an intensity to love with my whole heart
a life of goodness.

i hope today is perfect for you.
i'm thankful we can spend it together.

Happy Mother's Day.

i am not a mother...

i am not a mother.
i have a mother.and i love her dearly.i also love holidays.but...as i have experienced and been aware of significant pain & loss my entire life...through the joy of a holiday, it is often interwoven with pain and confusion, as the roller-coaster of conflicted emotions emerge.

*i am not posting this on mother's day--because i celebrate my mother (and all mothers, literal and metaphorical) gladly...and i don't want to be a debbie-downer on the love and appreciation that can come with the day.

however, anne's sentiments...(with some statements slightly more intense than my own perspective)...are important to note. 

here are my sentiments:
there are already people dreading this weekend...
the mothers who've lost a child.
the daughters/sons who've lost a mother.
the sons who've lost a mother--but still want to celebrate the mother of his child.
the women who've had miscarriages or stillbirths.
the women who are unable to physically bear a child.
the women who've put their baby up for adoption.
the daughters/sons who've been put up for adoption.
the daughters/sons who're living in foster care.
the women who've chosen abortion.
the mothers who are not close to their child, in proximity.
the daughters/sons who are not close to their mother, in proximity.
the mothers who are not close to their child, relationally.
the daughters/sons who are not close to their mother, relationally.
the mothers & daughters/sons who've become estranged.
the mothers who feel they aren't good enough mothers.
the mothers who weren't (or feel they weren't) good enough mothers.
the daughters/sons who were raised by negligent/selfish/abusive/toxic mothers.
the mothers who're now divorced and split time with their child.
the step-mothers who are trying to figure it all out and/or still feel they aren't good enough for their step-child.
the daughters/sons who are part of blended families.
the single dads who should receive double-holiday recognition.
the mothers whose child is ill.
the daughters/sons whose mother is ill.
the women who've not yet found someone they've fallen for, but desperately want a child.
the women who're racing "the clock".
the women who have helped raise children who are not their own, out of love/responsibility/obligation/what-have-you.
the grandmothers who've taken on the "mother" role.
the women who do not feel equipped to have a child--but continue to hear that one has not experienced love till one becomes a mother.
the daughters/sons who thankfully has their mother--but has to navigate through words and feelings because their mother has lost her mother and a child.
-the list goes on & on...

this day can be extremely difficult. (as can every holiday.)
let us be aware of our words--and respectful of what we post on social media.

EARTH DAY!!

leave it to a holiday to inspire me to write...
i love holidays.
i love having a reason to celebrate.
i love focusing on something specific and dressing, eating, drinking, celebrating accordingly.
very event-oriented, i am...

that being said, i love earth day.
i love the earth, i love the outdoors, i love the fresh air, i love trees, i love flowers, i love fruits & vegetables, i love gardens, i love picnics, i love mountains, i love fields, i love rain...i love it.

(but at the price of feeling so strongly about holidays (earth day, included), i feel guilty the days surrounding i do not focus on the aspects once so-celebrated.)
THIS earth day, i was stuck inside working, sad i could not visit the farmer's market and eat my finds on a checked-blanket at the park--yet remained inspired with the magic of the day, as my brain whirled with the thoughts for this post...and the fact that, yes, every day can be earth day. here are a few of my specific year-round loves + new tips i am striving to adopt.

IN REGARDS TO FOOD...
- go to the farmer's market!! (or if you live in kansas like me, drive down the road to a local selling their produce off the side of the road.) :)

FM with mom, perfect peaches, FM with the boys & dad, mouth-watering tomatoes, farmer cole, mom getting some goods at the FM.

- eat local, organic, and in-season.

shelling purple hulls with mom, weston apple orchard, osceola cheese, bulk it with nicholas, heirloom, and the peach truck!

- buy whole foods, and make your own meal. (no product placement here, the actual adjective.)

homemade apple chips, radish tea sandwiches, blackberry cobbler, fresh-pressed orange juice, my new favorite recipe, oatmeal & fruit, homemade tomato soup.

- use reusable tote bags when...toting.

IN REGARDS TO WATER...
- filter/purify your own!!
- use cold water to wash your food/clothes/self, as much as you can.
- take showers, not baths.

IN REGARDS TO HOME...
- plant a garden!! (and make your own compost.)

baby coley & me with my first garden.

- turn off heat/AC during the nice months.
- take advantage of that daylight!!
- unplug and turn off electric appliances when not in use.
- use natural cleaners on your homes/selves. (whether it's making your own like this, this, or this...or using eco-friendly/toxin-free brands like this, this, this, or this!)
- give back, and plant a tree!! (not possible? try filling your home with air-purifying plants.)

IN REGARDS TO TRANSPORTATION...
- carpool as often as you can.
- avoid traffic, slow down, and keep those tires inflated.
- and when possible, ride your bike!!

dad teaching me to ride a bike...whilst actually riding my bike.

IN REGARDS TO CLOTHING...
- make your own!!
- buy from local and/or small business.

this beauty--that is sadly, no longer.

- if neither of those are options, buy used as much as possible. (thrift stores, antique malls, yard/garage/estate sales, flea markets, etc.)

is there anything better than antiquing/thrifting with the ones you love?

IN REGARDS TO FUN... (you mean, besides what i've already addressed...??)
- read a book.
- have a picnic.

a perfect day at shawnee mission park.

- go to the lake and kayak, fish, swim.

kayaking with the fam.

- go to the park.

"vintage" deanna rose park.

- go on a hike.

yellowstone, smokies, and rockies.

- play some yardgames!

croquet your heart out, quinny.

*anything you love doing, if possible, try doing it outside...catch some fresh oxygen and vitamin d, while developing an appreciation and wonder in mother earth.

learn about some KC local beekeepers here,  here, and here.

AND OF COURSE, reduce--reuse--recycle.

the next twelve months.

i love making lists.
i love making plans.
probably has something to do with the fact i just love letters & words & uniformity.

i also love holidays.
i love celebrations.
i love the different types of traditions and meanings behind each one.

there's always this stigma about new years resolutions...
why is there such negativity surrounding it...??
the whole reason for them are for a fresh start, for new beginnings, for...hope...really.
and yet, there's always these cliched, pessimistic statements & thoughts correlated.

i say...
WHATEVER.
let the haters hate.
(and yes, that has also turned into a cliched statement.)

i. LOVE. new years resolutions.
i love thinking about all the delicious foods i can make, all the beautiful projects i can create, all the breathtaking places i can go, all the precious souls i can love on.
and even if i don't get them all done, i got SOME done...i did SOMEthing.
what's life without goals & hopes & dreams...
what's life without new creations...??

so...this year, i am going with themes.
BODY.
SOUL.
MIND.
SPIRIT.
*each aspect of my life deserves more attention...and i'm at the age now, where i can recognize when each need it. i have realized that, though i feel like taking care of others & making others happy, is more important than taking care of myself & making myself happy...i don't have as much energy or tolerance to do so; i have come to find that count rugen's sentiment (below) reigns true...and that by helping myself, i can help others more.

BODY.

drink water.

consume a glass each morning when i rise, a glass (if not more) at each meal, and a glass before each movie/tv episode i indulge in.

*meme cred: the princess bride.

SOUL.

be still.

find oneness with the present moment. practice mindfulness. reflect on the Lord.

look around you."the sky above proclaims his handiwork."

MIND.

read literature.

read (at least) one book a month. reflect on what i've read. write about what i've read, including the thoughts that have emerged because of it.

*taken from anne lamott's "Help, Thanks, Wow".

SPIRIT.

create.

photograph. write. craft. design.

*photo cred: lauren ashley kilber.

BODY/SOUL/MIND/SPIRIT.

manage stress.

exhibit greater self-control. schedule. budget. organize. set goals & plans (like this post!!). follow through.

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as i sit here. waiting...

as i sit here. waiting.
with only quincy & haiti on my mind.
i am forced to reflect on this year.
during which, i have done anything but.

i tend to repress, perpetually.
but with this year being that much more intensified...the repression having infinite layers...

the past 363 days have been full.
full of unbearable sorrow.
full of distractions.
full of new beginnings.
full of learning.
full of changes.
full of bitterness, contrasting with thankfulness.
my most life-altering year to date.

the learned act of repressing gets me through daily life.
it allows me to carry on, "normally".
now--in this moment--being forced to reflect, i come face to face with this pain i've harbored so deep inside.
forced to feel this sorrow. this grief. this immense love.
forced to feel my heart being ripped from my chest once again.

i am a person who likes to pin-point my feelings.
i like to know the why in everything.
i basically need to know the why to be content.
if i do not receive a logical, educated explanation...i will over-analyze the situation until i find it myself.
this year has, on top of everything resulting from the 1st, been incredibly frustrating.
a rollercoaster.
a pinball machine.
a constant, contradicting battle between my own, personal feelings.
a constant, contradicting battle within my own mind.

ultimately, i have been bitter.
inescapably.

but, i have not allowed for time of reflection.
i have hardly journaled. which is very unlike me. i am the advocate of journaling.
albeit, i've simply had no down-time.
which has been good and bad. (what do you know...a contradiction.)
however, there has not even been a yearning in me to reflect, to journal, to acknowledge the circumstances.
fore with these acts, comes acceptance.
and i still cannot accept the truth that is this reality.
...it seems i've been waiting for haiti.
waiting to experience this place quincy fell in love with, these people she fell in love with, this experience that changed the course of her entire life.
and i'm ready to experience some sort of healing, that i've been expecting this trip to naturally evoke.
there will definitely be bitterness. but i'm also expecting much sweetness.
i am going, seeking after quincy and her heart for the country, its people, and the Lord. i feel i am searching for something i do not yet know. praying to find an answer--if even just one.
2015, you've been quite the year.
2016, please be better.
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quinc, i miss you beyond comprehension.
but you should be so proud of your people.
your legacy is significant.
your passions have now been instilled in countless others.
your words you wrote have been constant encouragement and comfort that have carried us through.
i will forever be proud of you. when first you went to haiti, i wrote you this message:

     quincy lynn!!
     -you are going to HAITI today!!
     so crazy.
     i am SO proud of you...
     -for following this opportunity that God has placed in your path.
     -for knowing it was what you were supposed to do--and not even giving it a second thought.
     -for being brave. cause serving in haiti is definitely not for the average, every-day, lukewarm, life-livers.
     -and for many, many more reasons.
     i will miss you while you're gone. (for my sake, i'm glad it's just ten days)--and can't WAIT to hear about and see all the photos from your excursion.
     i-LOOOOOOOOOOVE-youuuuuuuuuu, boo-boo-boo-boooooooooo.

if i've taken anything away from this year, it has been a lesson you have taught me upon reflecting on your life and your very being: 
make. it. happen. (cap'n.)
you are the queen of make it happen. (and also, coincidentally, love cap'n crunch.)
i chose to embrace that mantra best i could this year--and i'm expecting it to stay with me forever.
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i found this today and thought it encompassed us so well.

(not hard to do with the four boys. or lauren. or at our parents' expense. or playing scrabble with gramma. or being borderline out-of-control at jack stack. or dancing like fools whenever, wherever. or quoting movies to no end. or during sleepovers till the sun is coming up. or cousin Christmas cookie night with aunt nan. or the ridiculousness that is quelf.)

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your dad has spoken (and written) many great words this year. many heart-wrenching, tearful, powerfully overwhelming, yet beautiful, words. 
these are a few that have stayed with me:

"love is the greatest force in the world.
it's the only thing that lasts.
lead with love.
if you're not moving towards love, 
you're not moving towards Jesus.
if you're not moving towards Jesus, 
you're not moving towards love.
if you're not moving towards love, what are you doing."

"love is a story. it's a story of presence.
by our presence, so we love."

"with Jesus, now there's music, and art, and beauty, and salvation in this world that we didn't even know existed.
live presently in the future we know exists."

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Broken Heart. Future Hope. LQVE.org.

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#prayforthephilippines.

as all you readers know, i went on a missional/evangelical trip to the philippines this summer. (read about here, here, and HERE.)
after hearing of/seeing the devastation of this super typhoon haiyan (or yolanda, as the filipinos are calling it,) on top of the earthquake that hit the philippines just three weeks before, i have been completely devastated myself. literally crying out to the Lord in desperation for these people that hold so much of my heart now.
if you are not up to date on the tragedy, here are some current (and concise) statistics i compiled for you:
the most powerful storm in history, typhoon haiyan's current death toll is at 3,976 people with 18,175 injured and 1,598 missing. 4 million people have been displaced, and 11 million have been affected. (5 million of those are children; 1.5 million of those are under the age of five.)

if you would like to HELP…and SERVE by giving…and reach out to the poor, downtrodden, broken-hearted, and the "least of these" trying to survive this tragedy…here are a plethora of options for you:

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- the filipino association of greater kansas city is collecting goods here till this friday, the 22nd to ship over. (more info here and here.)

- action against hunger:: donate toward saving lives and restoring livelihoods here.

- american red cross:: donate toward helping those affected by the typhoon here. also partnering with iTunes, make a donation here.

- americares:: donate toward giving suffering filipino families lifesaving aid here.

- BTEA:: donate toward the organization i was involved with this summer and deliver relief and Christ's message of hope here. (james 1:22.)

- child fund intl:: donate toward aiding children and their families here.

- direct relief:: donate toward providing and delivering medical aid for current typhoon victims and additional flood relief supplies here.

- habitat for humanity:: donate toward rebuilding the homes of those that were destroyed here.

- heart to heart:: donate toward delivering aid and relief to those affected here. if you are a medical professional willing to travel to the philippines, visit here. provide care kits to the filipinos in need HERE!!

- intl rescue committee:: donate toward mobilizing a humanitarian response to the typhoon by way of clean water, healthcare, and other urgent needs here.

- mercy corps:: donate toward providing desperate families with food, water, shelter, and other basic supplies here.

- operation blessing intl:: donate toward providing food, water, medical care, and other critical relief to the typhoon victims here.

- oxfam:: donate toward providing typhoon victims with essential needs but also the building of emergency latrines, mobile water treatment units, and installation of tanks and taps to deliver clean water here.

- plan intl:: donate toward delivering aid to the needs of children and their families, including food, water, shelter, sanitation, medical supplies, educational resources, and emotional/psychosocial support here.

- save the children:: donate toward protecting and helping children and their families with emergency assistance here.

- shelterbox:: donate toward helping provide a shelter, warmth, and dignity to those who have lost everything here.

- water missions intl:: donate toward bringing safe water and critical relief to those in need here.

- world vision:: you can text HOPE to 777444 to donate $10 toward donations of food, clean water, emergency shelter. or if you're feeling $10 is not enough, donate here.

- unicef:: you can text RELIEF to 864233 to donate $10 toward giving shelter, clean water, medicine, and nutrition to the five million children affected by this typhoon. or if you're feeling $10 is not enough, donate here.

- the salvation army:: you can text TYPHOON to 80888 to donate $10 toward sorting, shipping, and distributing donated goods. or if you're feeling $10 is not enough, donate here.

- international medical corps:: you can text MED to 80888 to donate $10 toward donations of food, clean water, and medicine. or if you're feeling $10 is not enough, donate here.

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matthew 25:35-40.
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-and don't forget to pray.

it's more fun in the philippines, yall.

(click on all the photos to expand them!!)

my trip has come to an end.
as yall read in my initial post, i prayed about going on this trip for over a year & a half...to make sure it was where God wanted me to be, when He wanted me to be there--and that in whatever way, He would provide for me to get there. (and the prayers worked, people.)
i am so thankful i was that mentally & spiritually prepared for it. i have done a lot of mission work in the past, be it other mission trips, service projects, or even everything with Mission Church thus far. but everything has basically been work & service oriented. THIS trip, however, was strictly evangelical--which is why i felt more called to it. i wasn't as comfortable in the area of evangelizing.
i've never had a problem sharing MY faith, but sharing the Gospel--and knowing when to share it...i wasn't experienced in. so i knew this specific mission trip would stretch me spiritually, and BOY did it.
we went from school to school to school, preaching in each classroom...five days a week, for about twelve hours a day.
our team was made up of 60+ Americans paired with Filipino pastor-translators; and after five weeks, we were able to minister at 1,551 schools in the Philippines!!
699,751 people heard the Gospel...and out of those, 676,833 accepted Christ into their hearts right then & there!! it was so amazing. just to witness these children hearing the story of Jesus for the first time, seeing their excitement & joy from hearing how much God loves them, and then watching them fold their little hands and hear their precious prayers to ask Jesus into their hearts. it was so powerful.
something that really hit me hard when i was there was just how awesome God is--obviously...but that His story is simple enough for young children like these to grasp (even with the language barrier)--yet complex enough for scholars to study a lifetime.
and how no matter who we are, at whatever stage of life we're in...we still yearn to be loved--and loved unconditionally. it's universal because that's the way God created us to be.

one weekend we got to go to the organization's orphanage. leading up to the trip, this was definitely what i was looking forward to the most. the orphanage was founded in 1991, as a Christian home for orphaned Filipino children. some of these children (including infants) were picked up/dropped off here by either their parents or some form of social services because their families couldn't support them.
we had the privilege of playing with the children--and also interviewing them. i loved hearing how much they loved being at this orphanage. most of the new & young ones stated how their favorite part of being there was food...getting food (that could be both delicious & nutritious.) which was heartbreaking.
but all of the older ones who had been there most of their lives stated how their favorite part about being there was that the organization was centered around God. that really touched my heart...that at such a young age, after facing so much heartache--they still could have such perspective.

this child's name is dwayne. and he completely stole my heart.
the moment we got changed into our "play clothes", he just jumped on my back--no hesitation whatsoever--and followed me, or drug me around by the hand causing me to follow him the rest of the weekend.

the entire experience was more than amazing; i am just sooo blessed to have had this opportunity. the fact that Jesus could use me--this average, 24-year old girl, with no scholarly theological background, to tell His story to these precious children who might never hear it again...and get this many more souls into His Kingdom is beyond humbling, and really...just downright addicting.
every prayer since the trip, i have prayed--not only for all the children we spoke to--but that God would continue to use me to further this work according to His will--and somehow take me back there...and that through my experiences, i can encourage everybody i know to go on this trip. (haha...but seriously. everybody should go on this trip!!)

i want to thank everyone who encouraged me, prayed for me, and supported me along the way. i really cannot say thank you enough.
truly.
much love & God bless!!
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- Mark 10:45 - Luke 10:2 - Matthew 28:19-20 -

in twelve days, i will be flyin to the philippines.

crazy.
seriously.
i've been officially nervous for the past two weeks now.
besides the fact i still have so much stuff i need to do and get before i go...i still feel unprepared--and i suppose i always will, and that's why i need to just go for it.
(sigh.) but seriously.
my devotions a couple nights ago::
"God asks us to go outside our comfort zones to do things for Him, to reach out in love and help others.
whether you're a missionary in a country far from home--or have a job at a local restaurant, God calls you to live out your salvation regardless of your circumstances. God also promises to give us the strength to do what he asks."
BOOM. how's that for a slap-in-the-face reality check...??
i think a big thing is that i haven't met any of the folks to know what their expectations really are...??
pray-pray-pray.
i hope (and pray) that everything just works out according to God's will. (sigh.)

scriptures/quotes that have kept my sanity as of late...encouraging me about this phase of my life and this upcoming trip::
proverbs 3:5-6.
joshua 1:9.
romans 8:28.
luke 10:2.
matthew 28:19-20. (of course.)
*and my "mantra" from the very beginning of this journey:: mark 10:45.
(i could go on.)

"it takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. but there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. there is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement--there is life, and in change--there is power."
- alan cohen.

"people look at our lives and hear us say we're Christians...but then see very little difference in us that would make them want the supposed hope & joy we have.
it's not that we're trying to impress people with how great we are; it's that we're trying to impress on people how great JESUS is.
we've got the greatest message in the world; let's not make it harder than it has to be for people to realize how great it is." (mmm. amen.)
- steven furtick.

"trust in HIS timing; rely on HIS promises; wait for HIS answers; believe in HIS miracles; rejoice in HIS goodness; relax in HIS presence."
closing with...james 4:8:
"come near to God, and He will come near to you."

day FORTY.

during this lent season,
i have...

- been heavily involved in the process of a church plant--and it's official kickoff.
- been accepted for an international work & witness trip.
- attempted to bless others as often as i had a mind to.
- recognized that in order to make things happen, you have to set goals...and to reach those goals, you have to set smaller goals at a scheduled pace. (my 40-days of reading goal was not met, unfortunately enough...but i'm still reading, and that was the point of it all anyway.)
- realized how much words of affirmation is one of my gifts. (by way of receiving words of affirmation about my words of affirmation.)
- been sooo thankful for His undeniable, unfathomable, and significant healing throughout my entire life...this past year, definitely included.
- continued to feel an overwhelming sense of support from family, friends, acquaintances, and the like.
- spent quality time seeking God through good music.
(this girl definitely added to that.)
- gained knowledge and perspective through fasting.
- prayed & prayed & prayed & prayed...and strived to seek God, fully--to just dwell in His presence.
- felt truly blessed by all the ways the Lord shows Himself to me, and all the gifts and blessings He has provided me with. (and i am thankful for the coming of age that has helped me realize different reasons and ways in which i can use and incorporate them throughout even my day-to-day life.)
- worshipped the Lord through it all.

it was a good 40 days, yall.
(and although i am disappointed i did not fully "complete" my goals...my relationship with the Lord has significantly grown, which was my ultimate goal regardless.) (and i am continuing on to still meet those goals.)

oh, how i love Him, but...
"oh...how He loves us."
(DO check out that song, performed here by lacey sturm&flyleaf.)

1 Corinthians 15; check it. comeon--why not, it IS Easter.

days 31-37.

yesterday was my mom's 52nd birthday.

thank you for the many countless things you have taught me.
because of your genes, because of your teachings, and because of your influence & example, i am who i am.

i am blessed that our home has always been filled with home-cooked meals, prayer, affection, laughter, music, and love.

i have been and am so thankful for your listening ears, your loving care, your great glove, your side-arm throw, your kitchen abilities, your open willingness to try new things, your spunky demeanor, your unmatched concern, your immeasurable faith, your unconditional commitment, and your endless support.

through every obstacle, every dim season in time...you always stood by my side, no matter what.

thank you for being my momma, mommy, mom, mother, playmate, teacher, coach, confidant, and friend.
you make me feel grateful, encouraged, comforted, reassured, blessed, and loved. i'm so glad God let me be your daughter. :)
(lots of lists...with lots of descriptors...with lots of meaning.)

i love you, momma. more than you could ever know.

"'many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'
charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
- proverbs 31:29-31.

"but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
- joshua 24:15, NKJ.

days 22 & 23.

yesterday was my dad's 52nd birthday.

he has helped secure my foundation in the Lord.
he has helped teach me how to walk, how to ride a bike, how to drive.
he has helped coach my ball teams, and encourage me through every adventure & obstacle.
he has helped keep me laughing when things looked dim.
he has helped me to know that real faith, love, and hard work are the keys to success.
he has helped me to see what true love looks like.
he has helped me figure out how i want my future husband to treat me. (and the ones i love.)
he has helped me get a sense of the over-abundance in which my Heavenly Father loves me.

there is no doubt, i would not even be close to the person i am today without all his help along the way.
thank you, dad.
-for everything.
i love you more than words could say.

"as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him."
- psalm 103:13, NLV.

"the righteous who walks in integrity, blessed are his children after him."
- proverbs 20:7, ESV.

"as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
- joshua 24:15, NKJ.

you taught me how to walk and how to dream.

God gave me your eyes, but it was you who showed me how to see.

now i can stand on my own, but i know you'll never let go.

i'll always be your baby, no matter how the years fly by...

the way you loved me made me who i am in this world.

i'm a woman now, not a little girl.

wherever this life takes me, i'll always be your baby.

- natalie grant.

day 8.

tomorrow (technically today, i suppose...) is the last day of february; that means it's just right around the corner when i find out if i'm accepted for this mission trip or not.
i truly feel that the Lord has placed this ministry and organization on my heart.

-however, if come find out i'm not accepted, and i'm not meant for it this go-around...
i know God has a plan.
maybe it was for me to be praying for them for a year and spreading the word about them to others who could pray for them. maybe going through the whole application process and waiting time was to prepare me for something else that i wouldn't have been prepared for otherwise.
this preparation period really has been wonderful and definitely brought me closer to God...and i'm so thankful for it.
when i think of where i was just over a year ago...(for one, it has the potential to make me sick. but for two...) it makes me sooooo thankful. because i couldn't be where i am, and how i am (wellness&emotion-wise) without the good Lord. and of course, the amazing support system He has blessed me with.
the time is over when i'm disconcerted at thinking back to where i was last year at "this time".
-and for that alone, i am so thankful.

i still do not know why it was necessary that i go through all that, (...for another time--and even more intensified,) but i do know that it brought me that much closer to the Lord.
it made me fully rely on Him.

all this to say...
no matter the Lord's reason for things, when we remain close to Him, He can teach us things we might not learn otherwise.
when we remain close to Him, He can heal us in ways we never imagined possible.

"take this life, so i can live.

teach my soul selflessness...

less of me and more of You.

bound my heart to what is true;

bound my heart to all of You.

when i try to go alone,

Your grace and mercy lead me home.

i have learned to count on You.

there is nothing You can't do.

i surrender, handing over...

all of my soul,

all of my heart

for all that You are.

nothing better, no greater offer..

all of our soul,

all of our heart

for all that You are.

this is my soul's melody.

i've abandoned all;

i'm done with me.

let this be the song i sing,

until i find eternity,

until my final breath leaves me."

-paul klein.

(be sure to check him out; he's great.)

day 3.

TPDL, chapter 3
what drives your life...??
we are products of our our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.
God's purpose is not limited by your past.
God specializes in giving people a fresh start. (God's a god of mercy; God's a god of love...PRAISE the Lord, He's the god of second chances!!)

fear-driven people often miss great opportunities because they're afraid to venture out.
fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be.
you must move against it with the weapons of faith and love.
"there is no fear in love...but perfect love drives out fear."
- 1 john 4:18, NIV.

knowing your purpose gives meaning to your life.
we were made to have meaning. (this is why people try dubious methods, like astrology or psychics, to discover it.) when life has meaning, you can bear almost anything; without it, nothing is bearable.
without God, life has no purpose; without purpose, life has no meaning; without meaning, life has no significance or hope.
the greatest tragedy is not death, but life without purpose.

"for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- jeremiah 29:11, NIV.

knowing your purpose simplifies your life.
it defines what you do and what you don't do.
without a clear purpose, you have no foundation on which you base decisions, allocate your time, and use your resources.
you will tend to make choices based on circumstances, pressures, and your mood at that moment.
if you can't get it all done, it means you're trying to do more than God intended for you to do.
living on purpose is the path to peace.

knowing your purpose focuses your life. (this is my favorite part...)
it concentrates your effort and energy on what's important.
you become effective by being selective.
"therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."
- ephesians 5:17, NIV.
there is nothing quite as [powerful] as a focused life, one lived on purpose.
the men and women who have made the greatest difference in history were the most focused.
if you want your life to have impact, focus it!!

knowing your purpose prepares you for eternity.
living to create an earthly legacy is a short-sighted goal. a wiser use of time is to build an eternal legacy.
you weren't put on earth to be remembered.
you were put here to prepare for eternity. (BAM!!)

book's question:
what would [your] family and friends say is the driving force of [your] life...?? what do [you] want it to be...??
my answer:
i would hope they would have the same answer as me...that the driving force in my life is my faith in the Lord. i am perfect, by no means...but even so, i never lose faith--because i know i can keep on truckin with the Lord.

Genesis 21-50

(to be cont...don't worry, i am not using the purpose driven life as my Bible, people. ;) i so-extensively covered this chapter anyway that yall probably wouldn't have the patience to continue to read any more.)

(i guess, i wrote my own sort of purpose driven life synopsis here a little over a year ago...many things in my life have changed since then; these thoughts have not.)

day 2.

Genesis 11-20
-NIV. (i am following this 40-day guide...with my own modifications based on health and timing.)

"then the Lord said to abraham 'why did sarah laugh and say, "will i really have a child now that i am old??" is anything too hard for the Lord??'" 18:14
-this just makes me smile. because--duh...no. ha. i just love it.

while reading, i definitely just feel a sense of God's wrath and...the need for me to be so entirely "God-fearing".
there has been so much sin...even from the very beginning, and reading from a third-party perspective, i am so shocked--but no doubt is what goes on these days so much more significantly worse.
'makes me so sad.

TPDL, chapter 2
you are not an accident.
"i am your Creator. you were in My care even before you were born."
- isaiah 44:2, CEV.

your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature. your parents may not have planned you...but God did.
while there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children. (i love that.)
it is not fate, nor chance, nor luck, nor coincidence that you are breathing at this very moment.

"You know me inside and out, You know every bone of my body; You know exactly how i was made, bit by bit, how i was sculpted from nothing into something."
- psalm 139:15, MSG.

the Bible tells us "God is love." (1 john 4:16) it doesn't say God has love. He IS love!!
love is the essence of God's character.
"long before He laid down earth's foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love..." (mmm...so-so good.)
- ephesians 1:4, MSG.

"God decided to give us life through the word of truth, so we might be the most important of all things He made."

-this is how much God loves and values you!!

there is a God who made you for a reason, and your life has profound meaning!! we discover that meaning and purpose only when we make God the reference point of our lives.
"the only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what He does for us."
-romans 12:3, MSG.

God is not haphazard; He planned it all with great precision. (amen.)

book's question: [you] know that God uniquely created [you]. what areas of [your] personality, background, and physical appearance [are you] struggling to accept...??
my answer: growing up...i was the epitome of the feeling of "not enough butter scraped over too much bread." i was involved in way too much...by my own choice. this has followed me throughout time, whether or not i got less busy. my greatest struggle is probably the "fear" of not living up to my potential and letting down those who love me, including God.

(i guess, i wrote my own sort of purpose driven life synopsis here a little over a year ago...many things in my life have changed since then; these thoughts have not.)

love--it washes over;
love--it pulls me closer;
love--it changes everything.

everything is beautiful...
even when the tears are falling.
i don't need a miracle to believe.
even in the crashing down,
i can hear redemption calling...
and everything is beautiful to me.
-starfield.

(my 40-days of reading starts wednesday. :) get excited.)

"well, i've been treated like a valentine...
that's been ripped apart and left behind.
i'm a fragile girl in a crazy, careless world.
my dreams were torn and scattered on the floor,
but You've been picking up the pieces, Lord...
cause Your love is real,
the only hope to heal.

my paper heart is Your's now;
i have landed in Your hands.
'come so far to find out...
my life will never be the same,
since You wrote Your name
on my paper heart.

i had been so terrified to trust...
so many times i'd been reduced to dust,
but you keep showing me
You're the safest place to be."
-francesca battistelli.

i have been listening to her cd since Christmas...and in response to being single on valentine's day, this is a perfect song for me. :) ever since junior high, the idea of "being married to God" has really resonated with me, and i've always strived to let the thought consume me.
which i believe has helped me never be this boy-crazy girl who always needed a boyfriend--because i always knew that wasn't what it was all about; i just let God always fill the void.
and for learning that as early on as i did, i am extremely grateful.
of course, i've had heartbreaks......and bad ones.
but on the occurrence of those break-ups, i've always turned to the Lord and allowed Him to hold me. (like literally imagined Him holding me, until i could feel Him.)

(i know i am going out of Bible-order here, but it's too applicable not to touch on...)
i've always loved the verse:
"peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

i love that so much..."I do not give as the world gives." because God's omnipotence is unfathomable...He is capable of anything. if we would just ALLOW Him to give us that peace, HIS peace--a peace like we've never known...such a loving, selfless, and unconditional gift that God w.a.n.t.s us to have...it WILL consume us.

"caring for each other."

my friend-lauren is a great-great girl, friend, daughter, role model, 

Christ-follower, human being. (i will save her full my-friends-are-talented story for another day--cause it's a long one, but...)

she shared this video of a family she's worked with for a couple years now, (who go to the church we grew up in,) by helping care for lindsay, spending time with her, going to camp with her, etc.

i have always loved all the stories and photos she has shared about lindsay...and it really warms my heart to have seen her grow through it all.

this video is SO touching and SO precious and will SO make you cry...

so get ready.

(i will just let it speak for itself...but what a Godly and incredibly special family.)

i hope it inspires you...