Dear Momma:

MOMMA

you've instilled in me:
a thirst for creativity
a spirit of imagination
a yearning to be outside
a responsibility to work hard
a talent for finding the positive and alternative in every situation
an affection for nostalgia
a (seemingly) contradictory taste in classic rock and gospel
a joy in trying new things and going new places
a passion for competition
a freedom to be silly
an eagerness to learn
a priority in loyalty
an emphasis in honesty
an attention to details
a love for entertaining
an importance in serving others
a requirement for homemade meals
a necessity to communicate
an innate ability to be myself
a strength to be confident
a devotion to family
a foundation to faith
an intensity to love with my whole heart
a life of goodness.

i hope today is perfect for you.
i'm thankful we can spend it together.

Happy Mother's Day.

as i sit here. waiting...

as i sit here. waiting.
with only quincy & haiti on my mind.
i am forced to reflect on this year.
during which, i have done anything but.

i tend to repress, perpetually.
but with this year being that much more intensified...the repression having infinite layers...

the past 363 days have been full.
full of unbearable sorrow.
full of distractions.
full of new beginnings.
full of learning.
full of changes.
full of bitterness, contrasting with thankfulness.
my most life-altering year to date.

the learned act of repressing gets me through daily life.
it allows me to carry on, "normally".
now--in this moment--being forced to reflect, i come face to face with this pain i've harbored so deep inside.
forced to feel this sorrow. this grief. this immense love.
forced to feel my heart being ripped from my chest once again.

i am a person who likes to pin-point my feelings.
i like to know the why in everything.
i basically need to know the why to be content.
if i do not receive a logical, educated explanation...i will over-analyze the situation until i find it myself.
this year has, on top of everything resulting from the 1st, been incredibly frustrating.
a rollercoaster.
a pinball machine.
a constant, contradicting battle between my own, personal feelings.
a constant, contradicting battle within my own mind.

ultimately, i have been bitter.
inescapably.

but, i have not allowed for time of reflection.
i have hardly journaled. which is very unlike me. i am the advocate of journaling.
albeit, i've simply had no down-time.
which has been good and bad. (what do you know...a contradiction.)
however, there has not even been a yearning in me to reflect, to journal, to acknowledge the circumstances.
fore with these acts, comes acceptance.
and i still cannot accept the truth that is this reality.
...it seems i've been waiting for haiti.
waiting to experience this place quincy fell in love with, these people she fell in love with, this experience that changed the course of her entire life.
and i'm ready to experience some sort of healing, that i've been expecting this trip to naturally evoke.
there will definitely be bitterness. but i'm also expecting much sweetness.
i am going, seeking after quincy and her heart for the country, its people, and the Lord. i feel i am searching for something i do not yet know. praying to find an answer--if even just one.
2015, you've been quite the year.
2016, please be better.
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quinc, i miss you beyond comprehension.
but you should be so proud of your people.
your legacy is significant.
your passions have now been instilled in countless others.
your words you wrote have been constant encouragement and comfort that have carried us through.
i will forever be proud of you. when first you went to haiti, i wrote you this message:

     quincy lynn!!
     -you are going to HAITI today!!
     so crazy.
     i am SO proud of you...
     -for following this opportunity that God has placed in your path.
     -for knowing it was what you were supposed to do--and not even giving it a second thought.
     -for being brave. cause serving in haiti is definitely not for the average, every-day, lukewarm, life-livers.
     -and for many, many more reasons.
     i will miss you while you're gone. (for my sake, i'm glad it's just ten days)--and can't WAIT to hear about and see all the photos from your excursion.
     i-LOOOOOOOOOOVE-youuuuuuuuuu, boo-boo-boo-boooooooooo.

if i've taken anything away from this year, it has been a lesson you have taught me upon reflecting on your life and your very being: 
make. it. happen. (cap'n.)
you are the queen of make it happen. (and also, coincidentally, love cap'n crunch.)
i chose to embrace that mantra best i could this year--and i'm expecting it to stay with me forever.
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i found this today and thought it encompassed us so well.

(not hard to do with the four boys. or lauren. or at our parents' expense. or playing scrabble with gramma. or being borderline out-of-control at jack stack. or dancing like fools whenever, wherever. or quoting movies to no end. or during sleepovers till the sun is coming up. or cousin Christmas cookie night with aunt nan. or the ridiculousness that is quelf.)

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your dad has spoken (and written) many great words this year. many heart-wrenching, tearful, powerfully overwhelming, yet beautiful, words. 
these are a few that have stayed with me:

"love is the greatest force in the world.
it's the only thing that lasts.
lead with love.
if you're not moving towards love, 
you're not moving towards Jesus.
if you're not moving towards Jesus, 
you're not moving towards love.
if you're not moving towards love, what are you doing."

"love is a story. it's a story of presence.
by our presence, so we love."

"with Jesus, now there's music, and art, and beauty, and salvation in this world that we didn't even know existed.
live presently in the future we know exists."

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Broken Heart. Future Hope. LQVE.org.

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the thing about grief is...

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i have delayed posting this publicly--for a plethora of reasons. the main one being i don't want those who know me to over-analyze and question my motives. (is this to prove she's still hurting?? is this to prove how close they were because she is still hurting?? is this just a needed outlet?? is this to help us better understand how she's handling it and how we should approach her??) ultimately...it is to help folks better understand the complexity of grief. and to help those experiencing grief realize they are not alone.
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the thing about grief is...

sometimes you cry. 

sometimes you are gasping to even breathe.

sometimes you cannot repress that knot in your throat, that hole in your heart, that pit in your stomach.

sometimes you are on the verge of throwing up all day.

sometimes you can’t even stand being in your own skin.
sometimes (most of the time) it is all-consuming.

sometimes you don’t want to talk.

sometimes you don’t want to be talked to.

sometimes you need to talk to process.

sometimes you want everyone else who’s processing to shut up.
sometimes you dread it getting brought up.
sometimes you think they're rude for not acknowledging it.
sometimes you wonder if they just actually forgot.

sometimes you feel completely alone like no one understands.

sometimes you wish you were completely alone because no one understands.
sometimes (most of the time) you don't feel like having fun and "hanging out".
sometimes you feel like you're being fake because you "have" to be happy.

sometimes you ache seeing people constantly post about her.
sometimes you dread when the posts will stop.
sometimes you want someone to say something that helps.
sometimes you know nothing will help.
sometimes you read "it gets easier with time".
sometimes you realize the more time passes, the further away she feels.

sometimes you wail.
sometimes you scream.

sometimes you throw things.

sometimes you are too weak to stand.

sometimes you want to die.

sometimes you feel like you are dying.

sometimes you need to get lost in the nostalgia of reliving memories through photos & videos and all things-quinc.

sometimes you have to dwell in the sadness.

sometimes you get addicted to that sadness.

sometimes you are afraid you’ll forget things.

sometimes you have to be distracted and “forget” for a moment in order to carry on with "normal" life.

sometimes you feel guilty for carrying on with “normal" life.
sometimes you think people think you're "over it" because you're required to carry on with "normal" life.
sometimes you sense people want you to actually be over it.

sometimes your brain tricks you into thinking she’s just in arizona, or on a soccer trip, or away for PR.

sometimes you are driving, listening to your favorite artists, who were her favorite artists…and you realize all those car rides together jamming out are over.

sometimes you are tortured by all the ridiculous ideas you had together that are not able to happen now.

sometimes you are bitter that you didn’t get to live those highly-anticipated life experiences with her. (and are envious of those who were already able to.)

sometimes you are out-of-control angry your time was cut so short.

sometimes you just feel thankful for all the precious time you did have.

sometimes you think how unfair life is.

sometimes you realize how blessed you were to have her in your life at all.

sometimes you feel like literally nothing else matters now.

and then sometimes you have to remember how much it all did to her.

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there is no map for grief. no guide for those going through it or those trying to comfort.
grief is complicated. it changes constantly. and everyone's different. and each person is different with each grief--and within that grief. it all can change depending on the day, and the circumstances, and the person with. there's really no explaining it. my ultimate suggestion is to love. just love them in spite of it all.
be available; be around. don't smother them, but don't forget them. acknowledge the hurt by letting them know you're still thinking of and praying for them. show them grace. you won't regret that.
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Broken Heart. Future Hope. LQVE.org.

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it's more fun in the philippines, yall.

(click on all the photos to expand them!!)

my trip has come to an end.
as yall read in my initial post, i prayed about going on this trip for over a year & a half...to make sure it was where God wanted me to be, when He wanted me to be there--and that in whatever way, He would provide for me to get there. (and the prayers worked, people.)
i am so thankful i was that mentally & spiritually prepared for it. i have done a lot of mission work in the past, be it other mission trips, service projects, or even everything with Mission Church thus far. but everything has basically been work & service oriented. THIS trip, however, was strictly evangelical--which is why i felt more called to it. i wasn't as comfortable in the area of evangelizing.
i've never had a problem sharing MY faith, but sharing the Gospel--and knowing when to share it...i wasn't experienced in. so i knew this specific mission trip would stretch me spiritually, and BOY did it.
we went from school to school to school, preaching in each classroom...five days a week, for about twelve hours a day.
our team was made up of 60+ Americans paired with Filipino pastor-translators; and after five weeks, we were able to minister at 1,551 schools in the Philippines!!
699,751 people heard the Gospel...and out of those, 676,833 accepted Christ into their hearts right then & there!! it was so amazing. just to witness these children hearing the story of Jesus for the first time, seeing their excitement & joy from hearing how much God loves them, and then watching them fold their little hands and hear their precious prayers to ask Jesus into their hearts. it was so powerful.
something that really hit me hard when i was there was just how awesome God is--obviously...but that His story is simple enough for young children like these to grasp (even with the language barrier)--yet complex enough for scholars to study a lifetime.
and how no matter who we are, at whatever stage of life we're in...we still yearn to be loved--and loved unconditionally. it's universal because that's the way God created us to be.

one weekend we got to go to the organization's orphanage. leading up to the trip, this was definitely what i was looking forward to the most. the orphanage was founded in 1991, as a Christian home for orphaned Filipino children. some of these children (including infants) were picked up/dropped off here by either their parents or some form of social services because their families couldn't support them.
we had the privilege of playing with the children--and also interviewing them. i loved hearing how much they loved being at this orphanage. most of the new & young ones stated how their favorite part of being there was food...getting food (that could be both delicious & nutritious.) which was heartbreaking.
but all of the older ones who had been there most of their lives stated how their favorite part about being there was that the organization was centered around God. that really touched my heart...that at such a young age, after facing so much heartache--they still could have such perspective.

this child's name is dwayne. and he completely stole my heart.
the moment we got changed into our "play clothes", he just jumped on my back--no hesitation whatsoever--and followed me, or drug me around by the hand causing me to follow him the rest of the weekend.

the entire experience was more than amazing; i am just sooo blessed to have had this opportunity. the fact that Jesus could use me--this average, 24-year old girl, with no scholarly theological background, to tell His story to these precious children who might never hear it again...and get this many more souls into His Kingdom is beyond humbling, and really...just downright addicting.
every prayer since the trip, i have prayed--not only for all the children we spoke to--but that God would continue to use me to further this work according to His will--and somehow take me back there...and that through my experiences, i can encourage everybody i know to go on this trip. (haha...but seriously. everybody should go on this trip!!)

i want to thank everyone who encouraged me, prayed for me, and supported me along the way. i really cannot say thank you enough.
truly.
much love & God bless!!
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- Mark 10:45 - Luke 10:2 - Matthew 28:19-20 -

the primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation...
but your thoughts about it.
- eckhart tolle.

day FORTY.

during this lent season,
i have...

- been heavily involved in the process of a church plant--and it's official kickoff.
- been accepted for an international work & witness trip.
- attempted to bless others as often as i had a mind to.
- recognized that in order to make things happen, you have to set goals...and to reach those goals, you have to set smaller goals at a scheduled pace. (my 40-days of reading goal was not met, unfortunately enough...but i'm still reading, and that was the point of it all anyway.)
- realized how much words of affirmation is one of my gifts. (by way of receiving words of affirmation about my words of affirmation.)
- been sooo thankful for His undeniable, unfathomable, and significant healing throughout my entire life...this past year, definitely included.
- continued to feel an overwhelming sense of support from family, friends, acquaintances, and the like.
- spent quality time seeking God through good music.
(this girl definitely added to that.)
- gained knowledge and perspective through fasting.
- prayed & prayed & prayed & prayed...and strived to seek God, fully--to just dwell in His presence.
- felt truly blessed by all the ways the Lord shows Himself to me, and all the gifts and blessings He has provided me with. (and i am thankful for the coming of age that has helped me realize different reasons and ways in which i can use and incorporate them throughout even my day-to-day life.)
- worshipped the Lord through it all.

it was a good 40 days, yall.
(and although i am disappointed i did not fully "complete" my goals...my relationship with the Lord has significantly grown, which was my ultimate goal regardless.) (and i am continuing on to still meet those goals.)

oh, how i love Him, but...
"oh...how He loves us."
(DO check out that song, performed here by lacey sturm&flyleaf.)

1 Corinthians 15; check it. comeon--why not, it IS Easter.

day 39.

once in darkness, now in light;
once blind, now you see;
once a sinner, now a saint;
once bound, now free.

once a stranger, now a child;
empty, now filled;
once condemned, now reconciled;
broken, now healed.

once a prodigal, now home;
once lost, now found;
once an enemy, now a friend;
once poor, now crowned.

that's the power of the Cross;
see the chains fall.

see the chains...see your chains fall.
- natalie grant.

this song is SO powerful.

-and she's just so good.

if you need somewhere to worship tomorrow for Easter sundaaay...

COME TO MISSION CHURCH!!

*and as a response to the latest gay-rights dispute, read this blog post. seriously--read it.

days 31-37.

yesterday was my mom's 52nd birthday.

thank you for the many countless things you have taught me.
because of your genes, because of your teachings, and because of your influence & example, i am who i am.

i am blessed that our home has always been filled with home-cooked meals, prayer, affection, laughter, music, and love.

i have been and am so thankful for your listening ears, your loving care, your great glove, your side-arm throw, your kitchen abilities, your open willingness to try new things, your spunky demeanor, your unmatched concern, your immeasurable faith, your unconditional commitment, and your endless support.

through every obstacle, every dim season in time...you always stood by my side, no matter what.

thank you for being my momma, mommy, mom, mother, playmate, teacher, coach, confidant, and friend.
you make me feel grateful, encouraged, comforted, reassured, blessed, and loved. i'm so glad God let me be your daughter. :)
(lots of lists...with lots of descriptors...with lots of meaning.)

i love you, momma. more than you could ever know.

"'many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'
charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
- proverbs 31:29-31.

"but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
- joshua 24:15, NKJ.

days 27 & 28: what's for dinner...??

the 21days of prayer & fasting, leading up to Mission Church's OFFICIAL KICKOFF Sunday gathering, has officially concluded.
(you can find out more about the fast here & here.)

the kickoff was awesome.
jonathan's message was awesome.
*hurley & the band's worship was awesome.
my announcements were awesome. (haha. just kidding.)
and we even had 95 people in attendance!!
granted...everything didn't go as perfectly smooth as maybe we would've liked, buuut...hey--it was our first sunday. :)
i'm so-incredibly excited for this church...what God has in store for it, for us, for the lives we touch.

DANIEL FAST!!
(here's what i predominantly ate on the daniel fast, that i also managed to snap a photo of...)

1. oatmeal with strawberries & pecans.
2. grits.
3. salad with tomatoes and vinaigrette dressing.
4. grilled zucchini.
5. plain, lightly salted rice cake with peanut butter & bananas.
6. apple chips.
7. oatmeal with pecans.
8. strawberries.
9. oatmeal with bananas.
10. sliced tomatoes with sliced avocados, balsamic vinegar & sea salt.
   (the best.) 
11. oatmeal with strawberries & pecans.
12. vegan, banana "ice cream".
   (i will share this recipe later.)
13. smoothie.
   (one banana, one c blueberries, 1/2 c water, and a handful of pecans.)
14. homemade tomato soup.
   (i'll be sure to share this recipe sometime.)
15. corn.
16. oatmeal with strawberries & blueberries.
   (i ate a lot of oatmeal. hahaha. just about every breakfast.)

i am thankful for this fast, the reminder to spend more time in prayer, the realizations had, and the ways God revealed Himself to me.
but i'll be honest...pizza never tasted so good.

*you can find hurley's music here & here...and if you come see us here. do it.

day 25 & 26.

GET PUMPED, YALL.

official kickoff event info HERE.

days 22 & 23.

yesterday was my dad's 52nd birthday.

he has helped secure my foundation in the Lord.
he has helped teach me how to walk, how to ride a bike, how to drive.
he has helped coach my ball teams, and encourage me through every adventure & obstacle.
he has helped keep me laughing when things looked dim.
he has helped me to know that real faith, love, and hard work are the keys to success.
he has helped me to see what true love looks like.
he has helped me figure out how i want my future husband to treat me. (and the ones i love.)
he has helped me get a sense of the over-abundance in which my Heavenly Father loves me.

there is no doubt, i would not even be close to the person i am today without all his help along the way.
thank you, dad.
-for everything.
i love you more than words could say.

"as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him."
- psalm 103:13, NLV.

"the righteous who walks in integrity, blessed are his children after him."
- proverbs 20:7, ESV.

"as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
- joshua 24:15, NKJ.

you taught me how to walk and how to dream.

God gave me your eyes, but it was you who showed me how to see.

now i can stand on my own, but i know you'll never let go.

i'll always be your baby, no matter how the years fly by...

the way you loved me made me who i am in this world.

i'm a woman now, not a little girl.

wherever this life takes me, i'll always be your baby.

- natalie grant.

day 21.

this song is my life right now.
i've come to learn that pretty much everything about me is a contradiction...besides my belief in the Lord.
but even my prayers--i will be asking the Lord for something that i am desperate about, and then end with telling Him that i know if my prayer isn't answered, it's because He has something better in mind.
(which does seem contradictory to me.)

over time, my prayers have become less about what i want/need/think should happen...but to trusting God that what He wants from me--and others is what is best anyway.
it is the result of life experiences...
learning that life is unfair.
life is hard.
life is painful.
but God is still good and faithful through it all.

that doesn't mean i don't cry out to God.
believe me, i do.
but there's a different sort of faith and trust involved now.
because i have been through some crap...that i couldn't understand why i was at the time (and for quite some time after), but with continuously seeking God...i had epiphanies and realizations. and that "crap" has consequently formed me into who i am today.
-and i am thankful to have moved past it all and significantly grown. because those experiences have shown me how undeniably God pulls through.

the gist of this song is sending a prayer up, and then concluding with the thought...
"but maybe not, not today...
maybe You'll provide in other ways,
and if that's the case...
we'll give thanks to You, with gratitude."

- nichole nordeman...from her woven & spun album.

lyrics: here.

days 13-20.

life just got crazy, folks.
this past week was a total blur.

from plannin & puttin on my best friend-becky's bridal shower.
to goin to my cousin-shay's high school musical.
to getting ready for mission church's official launch next sunday!!
to tryin to make it in time to hear my cousin-quincy's AMAZING mash-up her and her friend arranged and performed.
to attempting to keep up with my schoolwork.
to getting contacted about the philippines trip...

as you all know, i have been praying about this trip for over a year now...that the Lord would really place it on my heart, if i was supposed to go...that the Lord would not allow me to get accepted, if i wasn't supposed to go...that the Lord would provide for me to get me there.
i have contacted all members of my family (and a few close friends) to inform them as to what's going on, and to invite them to pray along with me.

last monday, i received a card from a sweet girl i went to high school with...
we were basically friendly acquaintances in high school, who were both involved in FCA so were aware of the other's belief in God.
we ran into each other last summer after haven't seeing one another for five years, taking each other's prayer requests, and then went our separate ways.
in january, she e-mailed me checking in on my prayer request. which was so amazing & powerful in itself...to know she had been praying that whole time. (and i got quite emotional over it.)
since then, we had continued to keep in touch.
when i mentioned this philippines opportunity to her, she wanted to know more...so i sent her the letter i had sent my family.

and then last monday, her card was encouraging me about this trip--how she had been praying for me, how God was going to use me. and she enclosed a check.
i just thought that was amazing.
she has totally been like Jesus to me these past few months.

steffi-

thank you so much. this all has meant way more than you know; i totally see Jesus in you.

i only hope one day i can bless you as you have blessed me.

when i checked my e-mail tuesday, i had received an e-mail on monday informing me that i had been ACCEPTED for the three-week trip!! (concluding with one of my favorite verses, Ephesians 3:20-21, to really encourage me.)

as i called mom & dad...and texted the rest of my family and friends, everyone was so excited for me.
when i called my grandparents, my grampa told me that he had woke up on monday thinking of & praying for me and this trip...sensing i would get word any day now. (and i did that very day. so crazy.)

i love seeing God in every-day scenes and events...and feeling His presence so overwhelmingly is more than i could ask for.
i have been exceedingly blessed by all the amazing people He has placed in my life.

day 10: what's for dinner??

currently, i am doing the daniel fast for more time for reflection and prayer.

mission church is doing this 21days of prayer (and fasting) leading up to our official kick-off sunday!! (very exciting; hit me up for any details.)
today's prayvotional (from our lead follower-jonathan) is paired with the Message's version of Exodus 23:28-30.
"the constant assumption that you're going to get quick results will eat you up. regardless of what the world conditions you to think, if you stay faithful and patient God will lead you "little by little" to where you're supposed to be. confess your tendency to want to rush results. ask God for patience."

this time in my life is definitely trying my patience. i feel like there are a lot of things i am inevitably waiting for. it's enforcing even more the need to just trust and give it all to God. i'm thankful for this fast for even more consciousness to pray and spend time with God.

the daniel fast is definitely requiring me to get creative with my mealtimes, in order to satisfy my hunger while still getting the nutrients i need. it's also causing me to eat more often, (since my meals aren't as large and filling...what-with no bread or meat,) so i'm needing more snack-ish items at my dispense.

so--enjoy!!

APPLE CHIPS!!
(makes about two servings' worth. these are great to eat year-round!!)

this recipe calls for:
- two apples, sliced paper-thin.
- 4 c *water (optional: use 4 c apple juice/cider OR 1/4 c maple syrup instead.)
- 1 tsp *cinnamon (optional: use 1 tsp brown sugar, as well.)

directions:
- slice apples paper-thin (aka: as thin as you can get them. aka: use a mandolin, if you have one. using a knife becomes very tedious.)
- soak them in bowl of *water & *cinnamon for 10-12 minutes. (make sure water covers apples. use more if necessary.)
- lay apple slices flat & spread-out on a cooling rack in a cooking pan. (we had to get rid of our cooling rack, so i used our old grill-irons. ha.) the apples need to be able to breathe through both sides. (otherwise, you can tediously turn over each apple slice half-way through the bake time on wax paper for close to the same effect.)
- bake at 350F for 23-26 minutes. (i did 26.)
- remove from oven, turn heat off, and let oven cool down for about five minutes.
- put apples back in oven for about 8 minutes, so they can dry out further without burning.
-let cool, and chow down!!

**be sure to store in air-tight container to prevent staleness!!

day 8.

tomorrow (technically today, i suppose...) is the last day of february; that means it's just right around the corner when i find out if i'm accepted for this mission trip or not.
i truly feel that the Lord has placed this ministry and organization on my heart.

-however, if come find out i'm not accepted, and i'm not meant for it this go-around...
i know God has a plan.
maybe it was for me to be praying for them for a year and spreading the word about them to others who could pray for them. maybe going through the whole application process and waiting time was to prepare me for something else that i wouldn't have been prepared for otherwise.
this preparation period really has been wonderful and definitely brought me closer to God...and i'm so thankful for it.
when i think of where i was just over a year ago...(for one, it has the potential to make me sick. but for two...) it makes me sooooo thankful. because i couldn't be where i am, and how i am (wellness&emotion-wise) without the good Lord. and of course, the amazing support system He has blessed me with.
the time is over when i'm disconcerted at thinking back to where i was last year at "this time".
-and for that alone, i am so thankful.

i still do not know why it was necessary that i go through all that, (...for another time--and even more intensified,) but i do know that it brought me that much closer to the Lord.
it made me fully rely on Him.

all this to say...
no matter the Lord's reason for things, when we remain close to Him, He can teach us things we might not learn otherwise.
when we remain close to Him, He can heal us in ways we never imagined possible.

"take this life, so i can live.

teach my soul selflessness...

less of me and more of You.

bound my heart to what is true;

bound my heart to all of You.

when i try to go alone,

Your grace and mercy lead me home.

i have learned to count on You.

there is nothing You can't do.

i surrender, handing over...

all of my soul,

all of my heart

for all that You are.

nothing better, no greater offer..

all of our soul,

all of our heart

for all that You are.

this is my soul's melody.

i've abandoned all;

i'm done with me.

let this be the song i sing,

until i find eternity,

until my final breath leaves me."

-paul klein.

(be sure to check him out; he's great.)

day 5, 6, 7.

sorry for the two-day hiatus, yall.
all this snow has set me in a (much-needed) sense of reflection and stillness.

(i tweeted and instagrammed this photo for mission church earlier.)
whenever there's a snow, i'm always reminded to just be still...taking it all in--the beauty, the peacefulness, the unity of it all.

"be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
- psalm 37:7a, NIV.

"rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything, give thanks...this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
-1 thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV.

at mission church these past three sundays, we have concentrated on Jesus's sermon in luke 4:18-19 (ESV)...
"the spirit of the Lord is upon me because He has anointed Me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recover sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (i love it.)

using the Message's version, verse 19 states::

"this is God's year to act."

and i absolutely believe that to be true.

"well, i've been treated like a valentine...
that's been ripped apart and left behind.
i'm a fragile girl in a crazy, careless world.
my dreams were torn and scattered on the floor,
but You've been picking up the pieces, Lord...
cause Your love is real,
the only hope to heal.

my paper heart is Your's now;
i have landed in Your hands.
'come so far to find out...
my life will never be the same,
since You wrote Your name
on my paper heart.

i had been so terrified to trust...
so many times i'd been reduced to dust,
but you keep showing me
You're the safest place to be."
-francesca battistelli.

i have been listening to her cd since Christmas...and in response to being single on valentine's day, this is a perfect song for me. :) ever since junior high, the idea of "being married to God" has really resonated with me, and i've always strived to let the thought consume me.
which i believe has helped me never be this boy-crazy girl who always needed a boyfriend--because i always knew that wasn't what it was all about; i just let God always fill the void.
and for learning that as early on as i did, i am extremely grateful.
of course, i've had heartbreaks......and bad ones.
but on the occurrence of those break-ups, i've always turned to the Lord and allowed Him to hold me. (like literally imagined Him holding me, until i could feel Him.)

(i know i am going out of Bible-order here, but it's too applicable not to touch on...)
i've always loved the verse:
"peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." - John 14:27

i love that so much..."I do not give as the world gives." because God's omnipotence is unfathomable...He is capable of anything. if we would just ALLOW Him to give us that peace, HIS peace--a peace like we've never known...such a loving, selfless, and unconditional gift that God w.a.n.t.s us to have...it WILL consume us.

ode to jeep.

(...okay, so it's more of a love letter...than an ode.)

my papa was a great man.
(cue my tears.)
he was a businessman, he was a salesman, he was a greatman.
everybody loved him.
everybody.
which made him good at what he did.
and growing up during the depression made him frugal.
he hardly spent money on himself.
but he would spend money on his grandkids.
(because he had that money to do so, being so frugal.)
always offering to buy us snacks from the concession stand every week at one of our ball games, always filling our Easter eggs with big bills, randomly handing us $20 at departures...
he was very generous.

as we grew older, he offered to pay a large portion of each grandkids' first vehicle.

i had my heart set on a white jeep wrangler; papa was concerned that it would tip too easily, being my first ride. (which in hindsight...it very-well could've.)
we compromised on a white jeep laredo.

i was ecstatic.
i really loved that thing.
(i loved it too well.)
i named her laverne. (it's not a long story, just more of an obvious one.)

my papa passed away two years after...
i was so thankful to have gotten to go through the process with him, watching him haggle with the car salesman...that guy didn't know what he had gotten himself into. iii didn't know what i had gotten myself into; i was a nervous wreck each time papa told the guy we couldn't spend that much. (not realizing it was all for the cause all along.)

i had the jeep so long, it became part of my identity.
when there was talk of needing a more reliable vehicle years later, people insisted i still get a jeep...that i was a "jeep girl," and they couldn't see me driving anything else.
when i got to the point of looking, i could never get to the point of selling.
once i started pouring more and more money into it, and when the mechanics and technicalities of the jeep got to be too much to handle, the emotions would set in...i couldn't get rid of the jeep my papa had bought for me. it was such a constant reminder...one that i was grateful for.

one fateful day, i was on my way to church when she finally waned-out on me. the jeep just began shaking uncontrollably on the highway, scaring me half to death. (turned out, all the gears in the differential had come undone and were all rumblin together in there.)
fixing it was going to cost more than selling it after it was fixed would get me.
i had to sell her for her parts.
by the time she finally sold, i was practically to the point of being glad because it was all so exhausting.
until the day of...it really was a sad day, a sad goodbye.
i felt stupid for crying...like it was such a cliche to cry when you get rid of your first vehicle, but i knew the jeep meant and stood for so much more to me than that.

i was only going to get $550 for her at most after calling countless yards, until a guy called the day i was supposed to sell it and offered $1,100. i was so relieved...a significant-enough amount of money that i could put into my next vehicle--so papa would still be helping me out.

thanks, papa. i love you-and miss you every day.

october 1, 2006--december 7, 2012.

i live. i ride. i am. jeep. ;)

here in the power of Christ, i stand.

"what heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease; my Comforter, my All in All...
here in the love of Christ i stand.

and as He stand in victory, sin's curse has lost its grip on me.
for i am His, and He is mine.
bought with the precious blood of Christ.

no guilt in life, no fear in death; this is the power of Christ in me.
from life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.

no power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand.
till he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ i stand."
- in Christ alone.

(Christina Grimmie.)

i was created to love You. i was created to need You. i was created to know You.

as we are reminded of new beginnings, "second chances," and resolutions entering into this new year...let us remember that through Christ, every day is new.

"this means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. the old life is gone; a new life has begun!!"

- 2 Corinthians 5:17, NLT.

"forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. see, I am doing a new thing!! now it springs up; do you not perceive it...?? I am making a way in the wildnerness and streams in the wasteland."

- Isaiah 43:18-19, NIV.

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

- Ezekiel 36:25-26, NIV

"praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!! in His great mercy, He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade."

- 1 Peter 1:3-4, NIV.

"God's loyal love couldn't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried up. they're created new every morning. how great Your faithfulness!! i'm sticking with God (i say it over & over). He's all i've got left."

- Lamentations 3:22-24, MSG.

"Your mercies are new every morning, so let me wake with the dawn. when the music is through, or so it seems to be, let me sing a new song. old things gone."

- nichole nordeman, mercies new.

"and i'm so thankful for this life that i know, that i am no longer what i was because of Your love and the beauty of the cross...I can see your work in me, all things new in me."

- watermark, all things new.