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i have delayed posting this publicly--for a plethora of reasons. the main one being i don't want those who know me to over-analyze and question my motives.
(is this to prove she's still hurting?? is this to prove how close they were because she is still hurting?? is this just a needed outlet?? is this to help us better understand how she's handling it and how we should approach her??) ultimately...it is to help folks better understand the complexity of grief. and to help those experiencing grief realize they are not alone.
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the thing about grief is...
sometimes you are gasping to even breathe.
sometimes you cannot repress that knot in your throat, that hole in your heart, that pit in your stomach.
sometimes you are on the verge of throwing up all day.
sometimes you can’t even stand being in your own skin.
sometimes (most of the time) it is all-consuming.
sometimes you don’t want to talk.
sometimes you don’t want to be talked to.
sometimes you need to talk to process.
sometimes you want everyone else who’s processing to shut up.
sometimes you dread it getting brought up.
sometimes you think they're rude for not acknowledging it.
sometimes you wonder if they just actually forgot.
sometimes you feel completely alone like no one understands.
sometimes you wish you were completely alone because no one understands.
sometimes (most of the time) you don't feel like having fun and "hanging out".
sometimes you feel like you're being fake because you "have" to be happy.
sometimes you ache seeing people constantly post about her.
sometimes you dread when the posts will stop.
sometimes you want someone to say something that helps.
sometimes you know nothing will help.
sometimes you read "it gets easier with time".
sometimes you realize the more time passes, the further away she feels.
sometimes you wail.
sometimes you scream.
sometimes you throw things.
sometimes you are too weak to stand.
sometimes you want to die.
sometimes you feel like you are dying.
sometimes you need to get lost in the nostalgia of reliving memories through photos & videos and all things-quinc.
sometimes you have to dwell in the sadness.
sometimes you get addicted to that sadness.
sometimes you are afraid you’ll forget things.
sometimes you have to be distracted and “forget” for a moment in order to carry on with "normal" life.
sometimes you feel guilty for carrying on with “normal" life.
sometimes you think people think you're "over it" because you're required to carry on with "normal" life.
sometimes you sense people want you to actually be over it.
sometimes your brain tricks you into thinking she’s just in arizona, or on a soccer trip, or away for PR.
sometimes you are driving, listening to your favorite artists, who were her favorite artists…and you realize all those car rides together jamming out are over.
sometimes you are tortured by all the ridiculous ideas you had together that are not able to happen now.
sometimes you are bitter that you didn’t get to live those highly-anticipated life experiences with her. (and are envious of those who were already able to.)
sometimes you are out-of-control angry your time was cut so short.
sometimes you just feel thankful for all the precious time you did have.
sometimes you think how unfair life is.
sometimes you realize how blessed you were to have her in your life at all.
sometimes you feel like literally nothing else matters now.
and then sometimes you have to remember how much it all did to her.
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there is no map for grief. no guide for those going through it or those trying to comfort.
grief is complicated. it changes constantly. and everyone's different. and each person is different with each grief--and within that grief. it all can change depending on the day, and the circumstances, and the person with. there's really no explaining it.
my ultimate suggestion is to love. just love them in spite of it all.
be available; be around. don't smother them, but don't forget them. acknowledge the hurt by letting them know you're still thinking of and praying for them. show them grace. you won't regret that.
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