the next twelve months.

i love making lists.
i love making plans.
probably has something to do with the fact i just love letters & words & uniformity.

i also love holidays.
i love celebrations.
i love the different types of traditions and meanings behind each one.

there's always this stigma about new years resolutions...
why is there such negativity surrounding it...??
the whole reason for them are for a fresh start, for new beginnings, for...hope...really.
and yet, there's always these cliched, pessimistic statements & thoughts correlated.

i say...
WHATEVER.
let the haters hate.
(and yes, that has also turned into a cliched statement.)

i. LOVE. new years resolutions.
i love thinking about all the delicious foods i can make, all the beautiful projects i can create, all the breathtaking places i can go, all the precious souls i can love on.
and even if i don't get them all done, i got SOME done...i did SOMEthing.
what's life without goals & hopes & dreams...
what's life without new creations...??

so...this year, i am going with themes.
BODY.
SOUL.
MIND.
SPIRIT.
*each aspect of my life deserves more attention...and i'm at the age now, where i can recognize when each need it. i have realized that, though i feel like taking care of others & making others happy, is more important than taking care of myself & making myself happy...i don't have as much energy or tolerance to do so; i have come to find that count rugen's sentiment (below) reigns true...and that by helping myself, i can help others more.

BODY.

drink water.

consume a glass each morning when i rise, a glass (if not more) at each meal, and a glass before each movie/tv episode i indulge in.

*meme cred: the princess bride.

SOUL.

be still.

find oneness with the present moment. practice mindfulness. reflect on the Lord.

look around you."the sky above proclaims his handiwork."

MIND.

read literature.

read (at least) one book a month. reflect on what i've read. write about what i've read, including the thoughts that have emerged because of it.

*taken from anne lamott's "Help, Thanks, Wow".

SPIRIT.

create.

photograph. write. craft. design.

*photo cred: lauren ashley kilber.

BODY/SOUL/MIND/SPIRIT.

manage stress.

exhibit greater self-control. schedule. budget. organize. set goals & plans (like this post!!). follow through.

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as i sit here. waiting...

as i sit here. waiting.
with only quincy & haiti on my mind.
i am forced to reflect on this year.
during which, i have done anything but.

i tend to repress, perpetually.
but with this year being that much more intensified...the repression having infinite layers...

the past 363 days have been full.
full of unbearable sorrow.
full of distractions.
full of new beginnings.
full of learning.
full of changes.
full of bitterness, contrasting with thankfulness.
my most life-altering year to date.

the learned act of repressing gets me through daily life.
it allows me to carry on, "normally".
now--in this moment--being forced to reflect, i come face to face with this pain i've harbored so deep inside.
forced to feel this sorrow. this grief. this immense love.
forced to feel my heart being ripped from my chest once again.

i am a person who likes to pin-point my feelings.
i like to know the why in everything.
i basically need to know the why to be content.
if i do not receive a logical, educated explanation...i will over-analyze the situation until i find it myself.
this year has, on top of everything resulting from the 1st, been incredibly frustrating.
a rollercoaster.
a pinball machine.
a constant, contradicting battle between my own, personal feelings.
a constant, contradicting battle within my own mind.

ultimately, i have been bitter.
inescapably.

but, i have not allowed for time of reflection.
i have hardly journaled. which is very unlike me. i am the advocate of journaling.
albeit, i've simply had no down-time.
which has been good and bad. (what do you know...a contradiction.)
however, there has not even been a yearning in me to reflect, to journal, to acknowledge the circumstances.
fore with these acts, comes acceptance.
and i still cannot accept the truth that is this reality.
...it seems i've been waiting for haiti.
waiting to experience this place quincy fell in love with, these people she fell in love with, this experience that changed the course of her entire life.
and i'm ready to experience some sort of healing, that i've been expecting this trip to naturally evoke.
there will definitely be bitterness. but i'm also expecting much sweetness.
i am going, seeking after quincy and her heart for the country, its people, and the Lord. i feel i am searching for something i do not yet know. praying to find an answer--if even just one.
2015, you've been quite the year.
2016, please be better.
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quinc, i miss you beyond comprehension.
but you should be so proud of your people.
your legacy is significant.
your passions have now been instilled in countless others.
your words you wrote have been constant encouragement and comfort that have carried us through.
i will forever be proud of you. when first you went to haiti, i wrote you this message:

     quincy lynn!!
     -you are going to HAITI today!!
     so crazy.
     i am SO proud of you...
     -for following this opportunity that God has placed in your path.
     -for knowing it was what you were supposed to do--and not even giving it a second thought.
     -for being brave. cause serving in haiti is definitely not for the average, every-day, lukewarm, life-livers.
     -and for many, many more reasons.
     i will miss you while you're gone. (for my sake, i'm glad it's just ten days)--and can't WAIT to hear about and see all the photos from your excursion.
     i-LOOOOOOOOOOVE-youuuuuuuuuu, boo-boo-boo-boooooooooo.

if i've taken anything away from this year, it has been a lesson you have taught me upon reflecting on your life and your very being: 
make. it. happen. (cap'n.)
you are the queen of make it happen. (and also, coincidentally, love cap'n crunch.)
i chose to embrace that mantra best i could this year--and i'm expecting it to stay with me forever.
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i found this today and thought it encompassed us so well.

(not hard to do with the four boys. or lauren. or at our parents' expense. or playing scrabble with gramma. or being borderline out-of-control at jack stack. or dancing like fools whenever, wherever. or quoting movies to no end. or during sleepovers till the sun is coming up. or cousin Christmas cookie night with aunt nan. or the ridiculousness that is quelf.)

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your dad has spoken (and written) many great words this year. many heart-wrenching, tearful, powerfully overwhelming, yet beautiful, words. 
these are a few that have stayed with me:

"love is the greatest force in the world.
it's the only thing that lasts.
lead with love.
if you're not moving towards love, 
you're not moving towards Jesus.
if you're not moving towards Jesus, 
you're not moving towards love.
if you're not moving towards love, what are you doing."

"love is a story. it's a story of presence.
by our presence, so we love."

"with Jesus, now there's music, and art, and beauty, and salvation in this world that we didn't even know existed.
live presently in the future we know exists."

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Broken Heart. Future Hope. LQVE.org.

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the thing about grief is...

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i have delayed posting this publicly--for a plethora of reasons. the main one being i don't want those who know me to over-analyze and question my motives. (is this to prove she's still hurting?? is this to prove how close they were because she is still hurting?? is this just a needed outlet?? is this to help us better understand how she's handling it and how we should approach her??) ultimately...it is to help folks better understand the complexity of grief. and to help those experiencing grief realize they are not alone.
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the thing about grief is...

sometimes you cry. 

sometimes you are gasping to even breathe.

sometimes you cannot repress that knot in your throat, that hole in your heart, that pit in your stomach.

sometimes you are on the verge of throwing up all day.

sometimes you can’t even stand being in your own skin.
sometimes (most of the time) it is all-consuming.

sometimes you don’t want to talk.

sometimes you don’t want to be talked to.

sometimes you need to talk to process.

sometimes you want everyone else who’s processing to shut up.
sometimes you dread it getting brought up.
sometimes you think they're rude for not acknowledging it.
sometimes you wonder if they just actually forgot.

sometimes you feel completely alone like no one understands.

sometimes you wish you were completely alone because no one understands.
sometimes (most of the time) you don't feel like having fun and "hanging out".
sometimes you feel like you're being fake because you "have" to be happy.

sometimes you ache seeing people constantly post about her.
sometimes you dread when the posts will stop.
sometimes you want someone to say something that helps.
sometimes you know nothing will help.
sometimes you read "it gets easier with time".
sometimes you realize the more time passes, the further away she feels.

sometimes you wail.
sometimes you scream.

sometimes you throw things.

sometimes you are too weak to stand.

sometimes you want to die.

sometimes you feel like you are dying.

sometimes you need to get lost in the nostalgia of reliving memories through photos & videos and all things-quinc.

sometimes you have to dwell in the sadness.

sometimes you get addicted to that sadness.

sometimes you are afraid you’ll forget things.

sometimes you have to be distracted and “forget” for a moment in order to carry on with "normal" life.

sometimes you feel guilty for carrying on with “normal" life.
sometimes you think people think you're "over it" because you're required to carry on with "normal" life.
sometimes you sense people want you to actually be over it.

sometimes your brain tricks you into thinking she’s just in arizona, or on a soccer trip, or away for PR.

sometimes you are driving, listening to your favorite artists, who were her favorite artists…and you realize all those car rides together jamming out are over.

sometimes you are tortured by all the ridiculous ideas you had together that are not able to happen now.

sometimes you are bitter that you didn’t get to live those highly-anticipated life experiences with her. (and are envious of those who were already able to.)

sometimes you are out-of-control angry your time was cut so short.

sometimes you just feel thankful for all the precious time you did have.

sometimes you think how unfair life is.

sometimes you realize how blessed you were to have her in your life at all.

sometimes you feel like literally nothing else matters now.

and then sometimes you have to remember how much it all did to her.

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there is no map for grief. no guide for those going through it or those trying to comfort.
grief is complicated. it changes constantly. and everyone's different. and each person is different with each grief--and within that grief. it all can change depending on the day, and the circumstances, and the person with. there's really no explaining it. my ultimate suggestion is to love. just love them in spite of it all.
be available; be around. don't smother them, but don't forget them. acknowledge the hurt by letting them know you're still thinking of and praying for them. show them grace. you won't regret that.
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Broken Heart. Future Hope. LQVE.org.

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check out my guest blog post today closin out our 21days of prayer&fasting--over on Mission Church's website!!

seems like just yesterday i was starting last year's 21days of prayer&fasting.
this year has officially flown by--more than any other year.
and i feel i'm getting old.
*i have a blog entry in the making that is supposed to be a 2013 highlight reel...but i just wanted to share a few things with you today.

this short article, for one. (it is SO well-written, SO dead-on.)

and this ebook, for two. (it is a collaboration that the lead-follower from Mission Church, our graphics-guy, and i put together to assist anyone embarking on these 21days.)

#prayforthephilippines.

as all you readers know, i went on a missional/evangelical trip to the philippines this summer. (read about here, here, and HERE.)
after hearing of/seeing the devastation of this super typhoon haiyan (or yolanda, as the filipinos are calling it,) on top of the earthquake that hit the philippines just three weeks before, i have been completely devastated myself. literally crying out to the Lord in desperation for these people that hold so much of my heart now.
if you are not up to date on the tragedy, here are some current (and concise) statistics i compiled for you:
the most powerful storm in history, typhoon haiyan's current death toll is at 3,976 people with 18,175 injured and 1,598 missing. 4 million people have been displaced, and 11 million have been affected. (5 million of those are children; 1.5 million of those are under the age of five.)

if you would like to HELP…and SERVE by giving…and reach out to the poor, downtrodden, broken-hearted, and the "least of these" trying to survive this tragedy…here are a plethora of options for you:

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- the filipino association of greater kansas city is collecting goods here till this friday, the 22nd to ship over. (more info here and here.)

- action against hunger:: donate toward saving lives and restoring livelihoods here.

- american red cross:: donate toward helping those affected by the typhoon here. also partnering with iTunes, make a donation here.

- americares:: donate toward giving suffering filipino families lifesaving aid here.

- BTEA:: donate toward the organization i was involved with this summer and deliver relief and Christ's message of hope here. (james 1:22.)

- child fund intl:: donate toward aiding children and their families here.

- direct relief:: donate toward providing and delivering medical aid for current typhoon victims and additional flood relief supplies here.

- habitat for humanity:: donate toward rebuilding the homes of those that were destroyed here.

- heart to heart:: donate toward delivering aid and relief to those affected here. if you are a medical professional willing to travel to the philippines, visit here. provide care kits to the filipinos in need HERE!!

- intl rescue committee:: donate toward mobilizing a humanitarian response to the typhoon by way of clean water, healthcare, and other urgent needs here.

- mercy corps:: donate toward providing desperate families with food, water, shelter, and other basic supplies here.

- operation blessing intl:: donate toward providing food, water, medical care, and other critical relief to the typhoon victims here.

- oxfam:: donate toward providing typhoon victims with essential needs but also the building of emergency latrines, mobile water treatment units, and installation of tanks and taps to deliver clean water here.

- plan intl:: donate toward delivering aid to the needs of children and their families, including food, water, shelter, sanitation, medical supplies, educational resources, and emotional/psychosocial support here.

- save the children:: donate toward protecting and helping children and their families with emergency assistance here.

- shelterbox:: donate toward helping provide a shelter, warmth, and dignity to those who have lost everything here.

- water missions intl:: donate toward bringing safe water and critical relief to those in need here.

- world vision:: you can text HOPE to 777444 to donate $10 toward donations of food, clean water, emergency shelter. or if you're feeling $10 is not enough, donate here.

- unicef:: you can text RELIEF to 864233 to donate $10 toward giving shelter, clean water, medicine, and nutrition to the five million children affected by this typhoon. or if you're feeling $10 is not enough, donate here.

- the salvation army:: you can text TYPHOON to 80888 to donate $10 toward sorting, shipping, and distributing donated goods. or if you're feeling $10 is not enough, donate here.

- international medical corps:: you can text MED to 80888 to donate $10 toward donations of food, clean water, and medicine. or if you're feeling $10 is not enough, donate here.

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matthew 25:35-40.
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-and don't forget to pray.

it's more fun in the philippines, yall.

(click on all the photos to expand them!!)

my trip has come to an end.
as yall read in my initial post, i prayed about going on this trip for over a year & a half...to make sure it was where God wanted me to be, when He wanted me to be there--and that in whatever way, He would provide for me to get there. (and the prayers worked, people.)
i am so thankful i was that mentally & spiritually prepared for it. i have done a lot of mission work in the past, be it other mission trips, service projects, or even everything with Mission Church thus far. but everything has basically been work & service oriented. THIS trip, however, was strictly evangelical--which is why i felt more called to it. i wasn't as comfortable in the area of evangelizing.
i've never had a problem sharing MY faith, but sharing the Gospel--and knowing when to share it...i wasn't experienced in. so i knew this specific mission trip would stretch me spiritually, and BOY did it.
we went from school to school to school, preaching in each classroom...five days a week, for about twelve hours a day.
our team was made up of 60+ Americans paired with Filipino pastor-translators; and after five weeks, we were able to minister at 1,551 schools in the Philippines!!
699,751 people heard the Gospel...and out of those, 676,833 accepted Christ into their hearts right then & there!! it was so amazing. just to witness these children hearing the story of Jesus for the first time, seeing their excitement & joy from hearing how much God loves them, and then watching them fold their little hands and hear their precious prayers to ask Jesus into their hearts. it was so powerful.
something that really hit me hard when i was there was just how awesome God is--obviously...but that His story is simple enough for young children like these to grasp (even with the language barrier)--yet complex enough for scholars to study a lifetime.
and how no matter who we are, at whatever stage of life we're in...we still yearn to be loved--and loved unconditionally. it's universal because that's the way God created us to be.

one weekend we got to go to the organization's orphanage. leading up to the trip, this was definitely what i was looking forward to the most. the orphanage was founded in 1991, as a Christian home for orphaned Filipino children. some of these children (including infants) were picked up/dropped off here by either their parents or some form of social services because their families couldn't support them.
we had the privilege of playing with the children--and also interviewing them. i loved hearing how much they loved being at this orphanage. most of the new & young ones stated how their favorite part of being there was food...getting food (that could be both delicious & nutritious.) which was heartbreaking.
but all of the older ones who had been there most of their lives stated how their favorite part about being there was that the organization was centered around God. that really touched my heart...that at such a young age, after facing so much heartache--they still could have such perspective.

this child's name is dwayne. and he completely stole my heart.
the moment we got changed into our "play clothes", he just jumped on my back--no hesitation whatsoever--and followed me, or drug me around by the hand causing me to follow him the rest of the weekend.

the entire experience was more than amazing; i am just sooo blessed to have had this opportunity. the fact that Jesus could use me--this average, 24-year old girl, with no scholarly theological background, to tell His story to these precious children who might never hear it again...and get this many more souls into His Kingdom is beyond humbling, and really...just downright addicting.
every prayer since the trip, i have prayed--not only for all the children we spoke to--but that God would continue to use me to further this work according to His will--and somehow take me back there...and that through my experiences, i can encourage everybody i know to go on this trip. (haha...but seriously. everybody should go on this trip!!)

i want to thank everyone who encouraged me, prayed for me, and supported me along the way. i really cannot say thank you enough.
truly.
much love & God bless!!
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- Mark 10:45 - Luke 10:2 - Matthew 28:19-20 -